When relationships go sour, whether it’s an intimate relationship or family or with potential client or in an organization, chances are there’s a conversation you’re not having. (And chances you instantly knew which conversation that was as soon as I asked!) Which is why I often ask this question in initial coaching conversations when someone is struggling with a relationship, executive, or leadership issue.
We often focus on the ups and downs of the actions we take, because they’re a lot more tangible and measurable than actions we don’t take, the things that don’t happen. But all those things we don’t do are really just as relevant as what we do do!
How many days, months, years, maybe decades have you spent running away from saying a certain sentence?
What’s the conversation you wish you had with someone before they left, or passed away?
How many relationships could have started or ended?
How many misunderstandings could have been mended?
How many mistakes could have been avoided?
What have been your most expensive not-conversations?
I’m not saying these conversations are easy. But they’re often not nearly as bad as the scary story in your head. And the impact of not having them is worse.
Now, resist the impulse to ask “But how do I?” Don’t go there, not yet. You’re in a scary story, so recognize how the story tricks you and refuse to play by its rules.
If you truly want to have the conversation you haven’t been having, what you need is commitment, not a how-to. You simply need to choose to have the conversation, without knowing yet how to have the conversation. Decide that it will happen, it’s inevitable, no matter how scary and how you have no idea how to proceed: simply decide to proceed. And when you truly commit, you’ll know next step.
Michael McDonald
Transformational Coach
Leadership, Life Optimization, Intimacy and Enlightenment
authenticintegrity.com
P.S. If you’d like help having one of these life-changing conversations, hit me up for a conversation. (And I know that for some of you, that might be the conversation you’ve been avoiding!)
P.P.S. If you’d like to zoom out and reflect on your life as a whole, I recommend joining The Big Picture for a week of personal inquiry and reflection.
To join my mailing list, including articles and events (both local and online):
“Growth lies just outside your comfort zone.” There’s a lot of value in this maxim:It helps kick us out of stagnation and into action.It helps us question our habits, our playing small.It helps us pry our attention off of our past and realize that we can keep learning and growing. But… it also smuggles in an assumption that keeps you from truly flourishing. It gets you halfway there, while eroding your sense of aliveness along the way… Because the ‘comfort zone’ isn’t really about comfort!...
I feel like I’ve been saying goodbye to a lot of things in my life recently, to people and pets and paths not taken. There’s a nostalgia that comes with it, a tender vulnerability and grieving of each little change. Not painful but poignant, beautiful. “I don’t know why I’m crying” is something I often hear from clients when they’ve had a life-changing insight. Their life and their perspective has up-leveled, but they’re confused by the tears as if they were unhappy about getting what they...
What does it really mean to ‘trust your intuition’, and is it actually a good idea? Opinions abound: Following your intuition. But don’t jump to conclusions without thinking things through. But don’t obscure your inner knowing by going into your head. Don’t live on autopilot, but also don’t live in your head. Entire books have been written about why going with your gut is a good idea, and entire books have been written about why going with your gut is a bad idea. What’s missing is a...