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"How do I?" is a Lie
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Many clients come to me originally thinking that what is missing from their life is information — they just need to know more about ‘how to’ do something. They want me to teach them new tips and techniques, because the other tips and techniques they’ve tried haven’t worked. They’re living in a world of “I don’t know how to.” — which Steve Chandler describes as the primary belief of the victim mindset. If it was really information that was missing, a couple minutes on Google or asking AI will give you all the information you want and more about the thing. They’re actually stuck because they’re asking the wrong question. “How do I?” is a lie, an act of self-deception. It’s a reason to wait, for something you don’t actually need. It’s the heart of procrastination. It protects you from the unfamiliar, from change, and from progress. Yes, learning is a piece of the puzzle — but it’s not the missing piece. When you’re stuck on ‘how to’, what you’re really missing is choosing to. You simply haven’t chosen to do it yet. Because once you have chosen to, you’re in action: You look it up. You ask someone. You try something. You sit down for a moment, see what comes to mind next, and do that. You commit time on your calendar. What if you don’t know if it’s possible? Find out by trying it. What if you’ve never done it before? Do it anyway. What if you don’t know all the steps? Just take the next step. When you drop the ‘How do I?’ act, you actually know what to do. My coach Jamie Damsker recently told me, “We always know. We really, really know. And even when we truly get to a point where we don’t know something, we’re in action to figure it out.” We learn how to do something by doing it. Want to write a book? Start writing. Want to buy a house? Visit an open house and start asking questions. (That’s how one of my clients started, and at the end of our year together she sent me a photo of her keys to her new house.) Who do you think will be better at riding a bike, a kid who has been riding a bike for a day or a kid who has read a book about riding bikes? Most of us wait for a path to appear, and then walk it. Sounds reasonable, but that’s not how life works. The truth is, you start walking, and the walking makes the path. Michael McDonald :: Transformational Coach :: authenticintegrity.com |
Michael McDonald, Transformational Coach
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My 50th birthday is approaching and I’ve been even more introspective than usual lately. In many ways I have a dream life: I’m healthy, I have a thriving coaching practice, I continue to learn and grow and have agency over my time and attention, and have many dear friends amongst many conscious, loving communities. I’ve radically transformed many lives, both directly and exponentially through my clients. My life is in some ways masterful, and suspiciously comfortable — and I also know that...
A while ago I was called in for conflict resolution between two parties. They were both loving and idiosyncratic powerhouses, really owning their own style and way of being in the world. And one was really angry with the other, who was really confused about what was wrong. Before agreeing to work with them, I set a context for the conversation: that there would be no attempt allowed to change the other person. The one intention of the conversation was to understand more clearly and thoroughly...
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