A while ago I was called in for conflict resolution between two parties. They were both loving and idiosyncratic powerhouses, really owning their own style and way of being in the world. And one was really angry with the other, who was really confused about what was wrong.

Before agreeing to work with them, I set a context for the conversation: that there would be no attempt allowed to change the other person. The one intention of the conversation was to understand more clearly and thoroughly the nature of the dynamic between them. Setting that context did a lot of the work towards resolving the conflict, and it required some enrollment and trust with the annoyed party.

Conflict resolution, like couples therapy, often works a lot of the magic by one party getting to overhear me work with the other party. The intention this time was understanding, not any behavior change and not even apology or making amends. I was making space for insight rather compromise.

After getting to dive in with both sides, getting their worlds, each of them having some more compassion for the other’s experience, I found a central sticking point: They both placed a very high value on integrity. However, they had very different ideas about what integrity was, so they were both feeling like they were in integrity and the other person was out of integrity!

In my coaching I call these ‘precious words’. Words like integrity, purpose, relationship, love, power, etc tend to hold a lot of psychological weight and story. We take them seriously and personally, forgetting that they are metaphors, and forgetting that other people have totally different stories around those words.

I can pretty easily hear when a word is ‘precious’ to a client because there is both an intense sense of drama in their voice, and I can also hear the anxious attachment to the word. I picture clients clinging to the word and saying “My Precious!” like Gollum’s attachment to the Ring. Precious words are often authentic values coupled with a lack of awareness, resulting from an excess of story.

So it turns out these two had two completely meanings of integrity!

For one of them, integrity meant that the action matched the behavior. If someone said they would do X or not do Y, they could rely on that exact behavior — independent of reason of impact. It’s the word and behavior that mattered.

For the other one, integrity meant that the action matched the intention. They held the outcome of the actions as what was important. They viewed what to do or not do as merely examples of how to achieve the outcome, but the outcome was what was being committed to.

So, which is right? Promising the behavior, or promising the outcome? I realized both had pro’s and con’s. Creating reliability around behavior is more predictable, and makes room for if they don’t fully understand the reason for the behavior (e.g. just make sure the door is locked — you don’t need to know why). But it’s also more rigid.

Creating reliability around outcome allows more creativity, more convenience and potentially better solutions. But also less predictable, and might require more communication.

(This is a question that plays out in management, as well: telling a report exactly what to do, vs telling a report what the desired outcome is.)

But the magic that resolved the conflict wasn’t answering the question “what to do” – the magic was in both parties seeing they both valued integrity, and understanding what integrity meant to both of them. They’ve been on great terms ever since then.

So, what’s one of your own ‘precious words’? It’s probably something that matters deeply to you – or something that you try to avoid. Hold that word more lightly, with more openness and curiosity, and you might find many conflicts in your life start to dissolve.

Michael McDonald :: Transformational Coach :: authenticintegrity.com​
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P.S. Looking for more perspective? Try out The Big Picture inquiry process.